Monday, November 28, 2011

my sister

Things have always been rough with my sister, we have never got along together, this has really gotten her upset and mad at me, she rarely talks to me, and when we do there is nothing but awkwardness in the air, I dont know how to fix it, I was hoping that once she knew I was with Candice and everyone else did also that she would feel better, but apparently not. Once Face book is about the only place I know some of her feelings, one post she posted on how i needed to consider everyones else feelings before my own, and how i disappointed her, the other post was how she wakes up in tears all the time, and then today we started to text and i asked her if my happiness was the most important thing, and she texted back saying she was going to talk about it any more.
I dont think she understands how hurt i am by her actions and her words, I wish she would consider my feelings and the things I have chosen to do and how hard they are, I wish i could talk to her.

Saturday, November 26, 2011


It has been nice to be able to talk with my mom, we talked the other day for about on hour, she said she wanted to continue to have an open honest talk. I agree it has been nice to be able to talk, I still edit a lot from her, I still hide a photo album of pictures on FB as to not rub candice in her or other family members face, I still try not to talk about candice and I, but I don't feel like i have to edit as much, or feel the guilt.
I told her after my vacation UT for christmas that i was coming back to TN, she understood, her only fear is that i haven't given time to find myself, she and everyone would like for me to stay and find crystal, she asked me if I was afraid to be alone. When i think about it I have always had to have someone in my life, male or female, I have plenty of friends who have been in relationship , married or dating and now they  arent in a relationship, they seem to have given them some time, i think i should do the same, but then i also think am I staying away from candice to make everyone else happy again? This life choice wasn't masde overnight, this is something I have prayed over, and though about this for a long time, I have taken breaks from candice, and when I'm not with her, I miss her a lot, I miss the way we laugh and have fun, I miss how care free and not stressed out I am, I miss the fights we have cause we grow from them and are able to continue to build a stronger relationship, I miss the way she looks at me and make me feel so loved, so beautiful and so taken care of. I miss the encouragement she gives, me I miss the confidence, I miss the way she seems to know me better then I know my self. I know that our relationship  will always be hard, I know we always be fighting against something, but I always feel very confidant in knowing that we will be together. We have ben through a lot in our relationships, we have been married, had spouse problems, had a divorce, been pregnant, raised to kids together, lost loved one, had money problems, been away from each other due to military reasons, had family issues, have had ex husband being a dick issues, our own insecurity issues, found our love, and faith.
Anyways back to my mom and I's talk, I told her i understood that she doesn't feel comfortable to being around her, I told her I wouldn't be forcing all this on everyone yet, I know at some point we will all have to get together, and at that point I hope everyone can get over the hard feelings and have a good time.
I am happy my mom talks to me, I hope that we will always be able to, I hope the rest of the family will also.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


For two years I have gone back and forth on: if and when and how I should tell my family and for two years I tried to change my feelings, and my thoughts. I feared my family would stop talking to me, I feared they would regret me, I feared they would guilt me into feelings I should have, I was afraid of so much. But tonight is another example of how wrong I was my aunt sent me a text message it read: I still love you, your my niece. I wanted to cry from being so happy, I called her to talk I was afraid to do so but I did it, she asked me of I was finally happy, I said YES, she said good. I was afraid of it being an awaked conversation but it was good, the hardest part which made me cry was talking about how to tell my grandma, i feel i might kill her with bad news I have been so afraid of it i have went to counseling and talked about it, he always tried to say you cant kill some one with bad news but he doesn't know my grandma, she doesn't even know about abbys kidneys heck she doesn't even know a lot about her health due to edited conversations. she and I joked about being out of the closet finally over all it was a good talk, and I'm happy to have gotten over that fear, now other family members might not be as comfortable to talk to but i hope over time we can all settle down be accepting and be happy.


This is the first relationship that I have ever felt equal, not better or less then who i'm with, we have a good system we work well together. It is nice to know she has my back and I try my hardest to have hers. We are working on spending quality induviaul time with each child, and to each other and to our selfs, we do have our moments of frustration and but we always work it out an talk about it and do better for next time. I know things wont always be perfect but I know that we will always being working on our relationship to make is grow and be better. I hope the kids know how much they are loved. I hope they learn to work with people around them I hope they learn to be accepting and loving towards everyone.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

coming out

On Sunday November 13 2011 My world changed forever, I openly admitted to my mom, sister and dad that I was gay, I was living with my girlfriend and that I had left my husband. Oh did I mention I am mormon been born and raised that way, my brother is serving a mission and my grandparents haved worked in the LDS temple for so many years. That sunday was hard, and yet very freeing, I have been living a life i wasn't completely happy in, I was always out looking for the new and better and something to make me happy, i rebelled as a teenager, i did what i was suppose to do, i was unhappy, secretly deep down unhappy, and for unknown reasons, then she walked in my life and i was happy really happy with my self. The part of our relationship that was hard was we were married to our husbands we had kids,and we were raised in a very strong faith. I was confused about my feelings, thinking maybe if i just do this the feelings will go away, but once we started hanging out and being together more and more i fell in love with her, I thought about her in everything i thought said or did, my husband was supportive, there was a time at the end were he got tired of being the third wheel and being the second or third or even fourth thought, so i need to make a choice, my choice is with my girlfriend, i moved here October 9th 2011, i kept that a secret for almost a month then that cam e out i tried to keep it as im on vacation as possible, but the lies that stress and overwhelming emotions took over, my damn broke, i cried i said i was sorry, i was told i was loved i felt so relived, but at the same time heartbroken for all these years i was trying to protect them i was really hurting them with my lies. I am unsure of how things will go from now, but i feel like a weight has been lifted and i can breath easier. I hope to document my trials, my ups and owns and all the in between times. As I become a single Mormon mom with a girlfriend.